19 September 2017 @ 04:56 am
UGH  
Due to circumstances at work tonight I was convinced to go in and now my co-worker is sleeping again.

I resent letting my guilt and concern manipulate me that way.
 
+
 
19 September 2017 @ 03:14 am
Ana annoys me with how much she believes in conspiracy theories and how right-wing she is, but sometimes she manages to ask things that are eerily on-point with where my emotions are at.

... Granted, because she believes PCOS is a conspiracy to punish women by making them infertile and because she knows I'm in my thirties. But eerily on point with where a lot of my thoughts have been since that woman was telling me how much her life changed after she got pregnant and just generally feeling incredibly stuck and without choices in life.

Conversations I feel like I can't have with anyone. Like, if I have those conversations with anyone, they'll totally freak out. Either because my friends who are women will think I'm thinking seriously about trying, or the men in my life will be worried I'm going to ask them to be a sperm donor.*

Ana doesn't even know about the sexual dysfunction, I don't think. So the question from her is a lot more eery. Like if Alicia had asked, it's like, she knows I have this barrier in my life that sort of makes my life complicated in the family planning/starting aspect.

*I guess I'd be worried about that too. I guess it's not such a far-flung theory that if I ever went that route I'd want it to be someone I knew. But I usually find it's easier to talk to men about S.D. stuff.
 
+
 
18 September 2017 @ 11:40 pm
Monique literally lost her shit when she found out I wasn't coming in tonight. I'd gotten permission from Isha around 6pm.

The real reason is that she's pissed off she won't get to sit there turning off her alarm and going back to sleep all night without getting up until 6:40am.

This was it. I decided even if it means sleeping privileges are revoked, I'm going to talk to Isha about how Monique oversleeps during the shift. I can't stand that she has the gall to do 1-2 checks the entire night last night and kept turning off her alarm and now she wants to whine that I'm not coming in again so she can do the same bullshit tonight.

I even pretended to fall asleep last night to see if she would do the checks? And she didn't. I literally saw her still turning off her alarm and going back to sleep. I still had to get up and do the checks because she wouldn't.

That's the only reason why I would want to cut my hours. It's not like I thought it'd be super awesome to make less money. It's because it's causing to much sleep deprivation and resentment of my co-worker.
 
+
 
18 September 2017 @ 06:26 pm
I asked for tonight off, too.

I've decided when we don't need two staff I'll take 1-3 days off per week to ensure that when I am there, I am able to remain awake.

Like I don't want to rat out Monique because it would cause interpersonal conflict at work (and potentially make them more strictly enforce it being an 'AWAKE' shift whereas they have to date been currently lenient and let us work it among ourselves.) It's a lot easier to offer to divide shifts (like do three days/two days and then switch the next week) or come in less personally.

But it's not fair to basically see someone sleeping next to you all night and know that if you fall asleep that person isn't going to have the checks covered. If I need to be asleep, I won't come in, because I can't trust her to stay awake. I don't want to be liable for dozing off on someone who needs 10-30 minute checks.
 
+
 
18 September 2017 @ 08:19 am
I am on the verge of having a frank discussion with Monique about how much she sleeps at work.

Tonight she kept turning her alarm off and continuing to sleep all night. She basically got seven hours of sleep. This has not been an unusual turn of events.

We both work 80+ hours/week, we both have dysfunctional home situations, it's not fair for one person to get all the sleep.

Of course, the other thing I've considered is simply taking more time off the night job whenever there are three clients or less. That way, if something happens, at least I'm not liable, whereas if she tells me she's doing checks and then she is simply sleeping the whole night, I am equally liable.
 
2 | +
 
18 September 2017 @ 09:01 am
Well this week was somewhat frustrating, but such is life.  I've been having some issues with money due to student loans, but I've been budgeting as much as I can.  No new video games for a little while anyway.  I also found out that the company that has my students loans is being sued by the federal government in a class action lawsuit.  I hope those fuckers loose the lawsuit, and I can some relief from these loans.  It'll probably take quite a few years before everything plays out.  Apparently a lot of people have been having issues with them, and they've committed fraud against a bunch of customers.   

That aside I went to pick up my niece from work the other day, and a small rock hit my windshield cracking it glass. D:  I have to figure out how I'm going to get that fixed.  Ugh, I swear it's so frustrating.  I'll have to call my insurance company, and see what they say about it.  

As for fandom type things I've been getting caught up on Dragon Ball Z.  I used my amazon gift card to buy Season 5 recently.  Also I've still been playing Fallout New Vegas, and I like it a lot more than Fallout 4.  It has more RPG elements than FO4, and isn't just mindless shooting just for the hell of it.  I also bought my friend Ocarina of Time for her DS, and she loves it.  I was glad I was able to get her gift to her on her birthday.  

I've also been playing lots of Nier Automata lately, and the plot is taking a very interesting turn.  I'm really enjoying the game, and I'm glad I bought it. 

My anxiety has been a bit better as of late.  I don't find myself getting anxious nearly as much.  I do wonder if I'm becoming apathetic towards people though.  I find myself having that "I don't give a shit" attitude a lot more lately than usual.  I asked my mom about it, and she said she doesn't think I'm becoming apathetic which is good.  I don't want to be, but some people really annoy me sometimes.  

Well that's all for now.  Here's a song I've had on repeat lately from the new Brand New record.  



 
 
: annoyed
 
+
 
18 September 2017 @ 03:02 am
My UCSD courses don't start until next week, so right now I'm just working on the TEFL course. I couldn't do it when my co-worker was watching iZombie, but she's currently asleep.

I also filled out a new C1 for my U.K. Passport. I just need to finish putting in my mother's address and her passport information, then ask her to get information that may be relevant for them (her marriage certificate to my father changing her surname, then the divorce paperwork, then the marriage certificate where she took her current husband's surname. It might be none of that is relevant because she probably has to put that information in when renewing her passport... But still.

I deleted POF/Tinder. I've come to the conclusion that men are depressing. Hundreds and hundreds of men 'like' me, in the hopes that they'll hook up, just as they are 'liking' every damn woman on those sites. I'm just going to try to get back to doing classes, going to the gym, etc. I'm not necessarily holding out for a serious relationship only - but I don't believe I'm likely to respect guys when I see evidence of the grazing approach. Like they couldn't care less about compatibility. Forever alone? Whatever. It's better than being depressed by a constant barrage of dudes hoping for a one-night stand.
 
+
 
18 September 2017 @ 12:14 am
With regard to Jordan (as much as I'm trying to just completely mind-wipe myself about his existence), I think what happened with regard to him lying about "not meeting the language qualifications for CSU Fullerton/CSU LB" is that I don't think he applied to them. I think he probably tried to apply to a few UCs - the ones that were prestigious enough to fill the needs of his ego.

But the University of California requires two years of a foreign language. Hence he didn't get in. And then was embarrassed that he didn't apply. Or maybe he had lied to his parents and had told him he didn't get into any of those schools, and then kept that lie for everyone, not realizing what a bad lie that was, because the CSUs are far more numerous and everyone knows the key difference in transferring to a UC or a CSU is whether or not it requires a foreign language.

Anyway, he got into York in England, and that school is highly regarded, so it's not like his GPA wasn't high enough, it would be, as he said, just the language requirements.

(I've also considered that he may have intentionally did what he did to give himself an excuse to go back to Europe to complete his education, as European schools are considered more prestigious. And for all I know, he had a reason to want to go back to England. Be it homesickness, friends, a girl, whatever. But his ego seems enough on its own.)




I want to work on my TEFL course but I can't do it without headphones.

I was also looking at applying to UK Starbucks and working on BACP coursework.

It might make more sense to make an extended visit to my aunt and her husband's place, though, and figure my working situation out. I'd like to try to work in Italy, France, Spain, Germany, and Portugal. But I was thinking I'd like to stop by the UK a while first since technically I'm a citizen. Plus I could then work on counseling and BACP stuff while there. (I'd like to do coursework in those countries too? But only to learn the language.)

It'll probably be a lot easier to find work if already at least on the right continent.
 
+
 
17 September 2017 @ 01:06 am
Thought #1: If I'm here until at least April, I should be able to get most of the CADC coursework done. And some of the nursing prerequisites.

Thought #2: I really like the one job, it's the other job I can't stand. I used to at least like the people there, but most of them are gone. I can't believe I have to do all this safety coach stuff I can never even do, either. Tomorrow and Monday I'm going to have to run around all over the place trying to collect paperwork. It's all freakin' hand-holding because managers don't see enforcing policy within departments as part of their jobs.

Honestly, they ducked it up. If the safety program had been a body of policies rewarding managers whose departments and staff pass audits and don't have injuries free days (and penalizing those who do) this wouldn't be a problem. Instead, they see a nag telling them to do stuff they have decided isn't part of their job. It's a freakin' joke.

Thought #3: I want to get the nursing prerequisites and CADC stuff done.

CCAPP claims it is valid in 47 countries but it doesn't list them anywhere. Kinda suspicious.

ETA: It's by getting the IC&RC tests done, but then you still have to live in California most of the year, which seems ridiculous. In the U.K. the equivalent program is BACP.
 
+
 
16 September 2017 @ 11:39 am
That thing, the thing I've wanted to do for years - sign up for a TEFL certificate. I did it.

I'm going to work on it during the night shift and work on paying down any debts I have - maybe even sell my car toward the end of December... Start figuring out the things I do/don't need in my life. Then I'm going to try to apply for TEFL positions. Maybe look into teacher licensing?

Why?

Because Dad came home today, and the place was a horrible mess. My brother was sleeping in a rat nest. In the living room. And my dad was upset and sad and I left because I was worried they'd get into a screeching argument into one another.

And I was thinking about how miserable I am at Ralphs. How Mike talks about 'moving up in the company' and like... I don't really want that. What I want is to travel and not be at home with my brother and my father burdened by my brother.

And I was sitting there, eating fast food (again) and thinking about how unhappy I was, and then I thought, "Will moving make me happy?"

And the answer is that I have stuff I need to work on. I have low sense of self-worth to work on. Codependency issues to work on. A sexual dysfunction to work on (because currently that also makes me unhappy.) Moving won't suddenly make me a happy person. I need physical intimacy and I have a hard time accepting it. I need to establish better boundaries with people so I don't feel taken advantage of. I need a lot of things in my life that I can work on to make me happy.

But at least half my problem is I feel trapped and stuck and I go home and everyone's miserable and everything's a mess. I can't do things I love (like photography, travel, language study) because I'm working like 80+ hours/week.

So I'm going to:

1. Keep going on with trying to get my U.K. and Irish Passports.
2. Get the damn TEFL certification.
3. Fucking leave the country.

Nursing might be a nice ideal that would make me more money, but I can do the teaching certificate much faster and if I want international credentials I should be trying to figure out how to go to nursing school in the U.K. I just want to make sure that if I leave the country I can work.

Regrettably, this also means staying with Ralphs until April so I can pay off any debts. I almost want to turn in my notice today. But I need to stay with both jobs to save money and get to a debt-free point in my life. I want 0 debt and preferably $3k minimum in my savings account.

I just have to stay disciplined about only having water/fruit/veggies/PB&J.
 
2 | +